6/25b: Addendum

I just reread the previous post, and it was mostly okay, but my point C under Big Love about the show as a metaphor for homosexuality was just inadequate and seemed to miss the point totally, so I'd better elaborate.

There are obviously similarities between homosexuality and polygamy, as Roman Grant himself pointed out on the show.

1. Both are non-standard families. I can't remember the specifics, but I remember reading that a bill came before the Supreme Court many years ago (somewhere between the 20's and the 50's, which I know is a stupidly large time frame) that was going to require that the Court define a family, and that seemed very easy at first. But as they thought about it, they realized how inappropriate that was; even in the Supreme Court, which I believe at the time was composed entirely of White Men from Wealthy Backgrounds, one had been raised by a grandmother, which, by the definition the case seemed to require, didn't qualify as a family.

I have been in several families. My parents were married when I was born, but they were young (my father was 19, my mother a year older), and my father sort of flipped and decided that his marital status didn't mean he couldn't date. This family, which eventually composed of four lovely, charming people whom I obviously all love very much, never worked very well.

When I was 7 to 12, my mother, sister, and I lived together. My sister and I would visit our father several times a year as schedules permitted. Eventually, this worked pretty well. I don't understand the bitching about single mothers; yes, it was very hard work on my mother's part, but this was a good family. This one worked.

When I was 12, my mother remarried. She married a good man whom I care about very much, and they recently celebrated their 30th anniversary. For me, this family worked, mostly. However, there were considerable differences in expectation and upbringing (probably the same amount that there would have been with my father, but because he didn't generally stick around to have the conversations until he was on his second marriage, we didn't see that), and it was difficult. Of course, families are always difficult (I think, anyway, although this never gets play).

Went to college; dorm living didn't count. Between college and grad school, I was back with my parents for awhile, so that was an extension of the previous family.

Graduate school was my first time in an apartment. With the exception of a few months in which I lived with a very nice man with whom I should never have lived, I mostly lived alone for the next four years. I did it very well, for the most part; at my first real "job," co-workers mentioned that they'd never really seen anyone who was single and not desperate. (Somebody making the comment compared me to Mary Tyler Moore, which I think was very flattering, albeit perhaps a little odd.) Frankly, for these years, I was my family. Yes, I participated in events for other families (my biological family, friends' family, families that came together at school and work), but I was mostly my own family. This was a successful family, and it worked.

Now to be honest, part of the reason I "worked" as a single person (eventually) is because these are the years I realized it just wasn't right to pretend to be straight. (I spent some time in graduate school trying to prove how gay I wasn't, but mostly what I accomplished was the emasculation of several men I cared about quite a lot, so I came to the conclusion that this wasn't an option I could use with any sort of integrity. I dated several guys thinking, "If I were ever going to fall for a man, I'd fall for this one." And I did care about them--but I knew I didn't love them, not like that. I was one of those awfully quaint little bunnies who'd intended to remain a virgin until marriage, but then the wiring wasn't falling into place for marriage, so I had the "Well, maybe I'm going to have to go to bed with someone to fall in love with him." Didn't work. So then I thought the ole "Maybe I just haven't met/gone to bed with the right man yet" chestnut. Didn't work. And then I realized, "You know, I don't want a man around all the time. Maybe I'm supposed to be the other woman." So yes, to be honest, I tried that. Didn't work. Looking back, I find it really puzzling, to the point of being humiliating, that I somehow thought being someone's sexual hobby was morally superior to lesbian monogamy, which I'm really good at, but I wasn't ready to go there yet. This "I am my own family" stage was essentially the, "Well, men don't work at all for me, and I don't think there's a viable option to that, so I'd better get used to me, because I'm all there's gonna be." And I was okay with that for awhile, perfectly content.

But we get only one life, and it's a short one. Is "content" good enough?

So then I was in the relationship with my ex. We were together six and a half years; from my perspective, it worked five of those years, but I think it's entirely possible that it never, ever worked for her, and she stayed much longer than she wanted to because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. If that is in fact the case, I don't know if that's cruel or kind. I know the intention, at least at first, was to be kind. Whatever.

And now I've been with my Co-Vivant for ten years.

So with the exception of my first seven years (and I'm not sure the year Dad was in Viet Nam counts), I have never been in a "standard" family. I've been in a single-parent family, and I've been in a blended family. Frankly, the years I was in a "standard" family were the worst, family-wise. I really can't recommend it. I developed my insomnia during the year I was seven. My parents' marriage was falling apart, and I was pretty sure it was my fault, and I somehow thought if I stayed awake and listened to their arguments, I'd learn what I needed to learn to "fix it" so we could all stay together. This didn't work. My second-grade teacher told my mother my schoolwork was slipping; I seemed to be falling asleep in school, and I had attention problem. My mother talked to the doctor, who suggested leaving a tape of music while I fell asleep. We had a reel-to-reel tape Dad had bought when he was stationed in Viet Nam, and we had several tapes. I have one specific memory of this period; I forget what Beatles' album it was, but I vividly remember that the background music for one of my parents' loudest fights was "If I Fell in Love With You," and even at seven, I knew there was something not right about that, and I cried. Quietly, of course, so as not to bother anyone else.

Well, I didn't mean to go there, but I'm going to leave it.

2. Both are looked down upon for religious reasons. As I mentioned in the prior post, frankly, polygamy wins this one; it is absolutely Biblical. The case against homosexuality boils down to six passages in the Bible. Points I would like to make about this:

a. Sodom and Gomorrah. Christ interpreted the sin of Sodom and Gomorrah not as homosexuality per se but as a lack of hospitality, a huge lapse in the ancient world; see Luke 10:12.

b. There are two or three verses in the Torah, I think one in Leviticus and one in Deuteronomy.

c. Two or three verses in Paul; I Corinthians 6:9 and Romans 1:26.

I had in my head there were six, but I can only find five.

d. Nowhere in the New Testament does the Greek word for homosexuality, homophilia, exist. The word appears in the translation in the I Cor verse, but I have read from several sources that the actual word does not appear anywhere in the Bible. (In the interest of honesty, I will admit that I myself do not have enough Greek to verify this for myself.) Also notice that Christ has nothing to say about the subject.

e. Occasionally, I've heard either homosexuals or gay apologists (and we know that word here means "defenders" and not "those who apologize, right?) try to use some Biblical stories, usually either David and Jonathan or Ruth and Naomi, as gay-positive. Now much as I would love to claim David and Jonathan for the team, I just think that the claim is indicative that the person making it has no understanding of military camaraderie. I don't get the Ruth and Naomi claim at all; being kind to your mother-in-law means you're a lesbian?

3. The logistics are still difficult. Health insurance. And is Bill's bank official aware of the situation? I don't know how it works in Sandy, Utah, but here where I live, the tax roles are published in the newspaper every year; anyone who's curious could look and see that Bill Hendrickson holds the mortgage on three consecutive houses.

4. Another similarity: in some situations, it can be dangerous to have your true status known. We're pretty open and honest in most situations; my Co-Vivant comes to my work Christmas parties, and I've gone to a few things with people she works with. However, we have never specifically told our neighbors that we are a couple. Actually, our next-door neighbor once asked me about "my sister?" with a question mark at the end, and I didn't clarify. I think across-the-street neighbor, with whom we are close, probably knows, but she is a devout Catholic who is Of An Age, and unless she specifically asks, we're not going to tell her; it might upset her, and we have no need to Rock Her World just on general principals. Actually, her nephew, who used to do yardwork for us, specifically asked me once, "What is your relationship?" And I thought, and smiled, and said, "Don't ask the question if you don't the true answer." (I didn't think he was asking in good faith with good intent, so I didn't answer his question.)

Now as open and honest as we are in most situations, it's probably silly (and it's certainly disingenuous) that we're not upfront with the people in the neighborhood, but again, I just haven't gotten a sign that it's Okay yet, so we haven't gone there yet.

Actually, I think this is also a difference; for most homosexuals in most situations, I don't think there's still a sense of danger about being Out. Yes, there are situations in which you can't be honest, but the situation is improving.

Differences:

(I turned the last similarity into a difference, so I must be ready to go here now.)

1. For most homosexuals, homosexuality involves two people.

2. In some ways, in most situations (all caveats in place), I think homosexuality is more accepted. My Co-Vivant and I can walk down the street, and some people aren't going to like it, but it's not really going to draw a lot of attention or stares. If the Big Love family (which is rather smaller than many polygamous families) all tries to go somewhere as a family, there will be problems. There was one scene on last week's episode where, for some reason, Nicki and Margie are talking to Bill on the phone; they're at the same place, and they can see each other, but they're talking on the phone rather than talk in person. One of Nicki's sons gets out of the car and starts to walk toward his father, and Margie gets out of the car, scoops him up, and brings him back into the car. Nicki's and Margie's sons are never going to have their dad at public occasions without some explanations. If a gay couple adopts a child, again, not everybody's going to like it, but they can be a family, for the most part.

(One of the things that made Bill angry in an episode last season was the fact that his father hadn't given him or Joey his last name. What are Nicki's or Margie's children's last name? I don't think it's Hendrickson.)

I'm starting to be tired, and although I've typed and typed, I'm not convinced I've really addressed the issue. I'm not convinced it's addressable, now that I think about it, and this might be one of those pointless posts that attempts to address the addressable. I'm going to post it for now, but I might have to think about whether this one stays.