8/30: What I Accomplished Today

1. Level 31 Human Mage. Highperch; picked up Shady Rest quests. Dinged 32.

2. Watched various shows on television. No idea what.

3. Pogo badges.

4. Level 32 Human Mage. Thousand Needles. Did most of Shimmering Flats sequence. Dinged 33. Tried to see how far I could get in Stockades soloing. Answer: Not very.

5. Dietrich biography. It's a depressing book. Shallow, shallow human being who utterly deprived her child of a childhood, an education, a social life--the list goes on. Utterly incapable of "love." Good at bursts of "adoration," but lives aren't built on bursts of "adoration."

I remember being in graduate school in my "existential quest" phase, in which I ventured into the territory of amorality. I used to wonder if I'd ever be so bourgeois as to insist on, or practice monogamy. And I remember thinking that if I ever did, it would be because I'd copped out/sold out/become one of Them. And I knew at the time, "I know what that attitude would be, but if it's ever my attitude, I know I won't see it for what it is. I'll see it as maturity. And I'll be wrong."

And I was right about thinking I'd see it as maturity and not copping out. It's more like Copping In. This is the problem I had with my ex: she saw monogamy as some unbelievably hideous burden, a chain binding her to me interminably the weight of which would destroy her if the clasp itself didn't suffocate her.

Once I fell In Love (as opposed to Thinking I Was In Love, or Pretending How Gay I Wasn't, or any number of any motivations I'd had earlier), I didn't see monogamy like that at well. I saw it as a gift I give: no, I'm hardly History's Stud, but we both know, if I wanted to, I could find someone else with whom to...whatever. I don't want to; I only want to...all my whatevers with you. And this is a gift you give me as well, and I gratefully acknowledge and accept your gift, as you do mine, and...oh, geeze, it sounds really precious, I know.

Just remembered that one of the things we watched this evening was Big Love. Co-vivant said at one point during the show, just apropos of nothing, "I don't think you should be polygamous. I think you should just be monogamous with me."

"Yeah, I think so, too, and I'd appreciate it if you were monogamous with me, too." (Now we're both laughing a lot during this conversation, but to both of us, the idea of not being monogamous, or not being monogamous with each other, is pretty funny.) "But you know, if I weren't, you'd be First Wife. Pretty Sweet Deal, so far as polygamy goes."

"Hmmm. Still."

(Really creepy image in Big Love; Lois is trying to find Joey and his entourage, and Alby's in their home looking for them as well. He threatens her, and she calls his bluff. He slowly does the "Got your nose" thing--and it was the most ominous, scariest thing I'd seen in a long time. Zabriskie's startle was brilliant as well.)

Anyway, all of this started because of the Dietrich biography. I haven't decided yet whether or not I think Dietrich had any legitimate talent or not. I don't think I've ever seen any of her movies, although I've certainly seen some of the more infamous clips; I know I have a few films of hers on the Netflix queue. She was the right person at the right time--and she used that to suck the life out of many people around her.